


I Love, and I Loved. And I Lost You

by Elf (xxELF21xx)



Category: Day6 (Band), GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bad Ending, F/M, Gift Fic, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Dowoon/Reader, Jae is Young K's roommate, Reader's Name is Seol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 17:32:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14242332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxELF21xx/pseuds/Elf
Summary: There are three types of ways this could go:1) You’ll end up in a relationship with him2) The both of you remain as best friends3) The both of you fall apart.





	I Love, and I Loved. And I Lost You

**Author's Note:**

> Seol is the reader's name. I'm personally uncomfortable with using "(y/n)", so I gave the reader a name. I am not in any major K-pop fandom, and this fic was written for a friend. I normally write about fictional characters; so if there are any mistakes in characterisations, do forgive me.
> 
> Not Beta'd. Please do drop me a comment if you find any mistakes!

She knows it’s stupid, this little love she has for him. It’s impossible, she knows, but an irrational part of her  _hopes_ that it might happen – that one day, he would see her and think,  _oh, I want to spend my whole life with her._

‘You alright?' He asks, the back of his hand brushing against her forehead. She doesn't even blush at the notion anymore, if it were anyone else, she would be as red as a cherry. ‘I’m alright!’ She cheerfully quips, turning her head to look at a bird take flight.

She’s being so painfully obvious, but it won’t matter – he doesn’t seem to ever notice anyway.

Shrugging, he reaches out, stealing a forkful of cake off her plate, shoving it inelegantly into his mouth. She twists her lips into a frown, feigning disgust. Brian cackles, stabbing a piece of chicken and bringing it to her lips. Without a thought, she accepts, confused as to why the people on the other end of the café laugh at them. 

There was nothing weird about the situation.

The chime of the café door rings softly, she unconsciously cringes as one of Brian’s exes enter, pink locks swaying as sneakers scuff the rough floors. He slumps onto the table, talking about the stupidity of his eight am classes. She watches as Jane flutters by, ‘hey, Seol! How's art classes going?' Brian stares at you, dark eyes questioning, ‘it's going pretty well, the prof is currently MIA, so we've basically been doing whatever for the past two days. What's it like for you?'

Jane chatters on, talking about art theories and perspective, but everything goes over her head. She doesn’t pay enough attention in class, and she’s starting to regret it.

Typical, Brian Kang never talks to his exes.

It’s the main reason she’s unwilling to confess to him. She knows what will happen if they  _do_ end up dating. Because Brian is Brian, he’ll humour her, take her on dates, pretend he’s head over heels in love with her, treat her like a queen. Once she’s had enough, they’ll go back to being normal.

Childhood friends.

It’s always been like this. They are never a “couple”, just two good friends playing at being in love.

But she loves it – the feeling of being untouchable whenever Brian takes her out on surprise “dates”, the warmth that blooms from her chest when Brian leaves her gifts, the tender gazes and careful kisses he gives sends her heart into overdrive. She loves every bit of it, but she knows that it will all end.

It’s  _because_ they’re best friends that Brian still sticks by her after their pretend dates.

Brian Kang keeps his friends and lovers separate.

She doesn’t know how it started, but it was gradual. She doesn’t realise it until she sees Brian with kissing a girl at age fourteen, all gangly limbs and stiff movements, that she’s in love with her neighbour and only friend.

It gets worse.

Years go by, they end up dating several people, but her thoughts always come back to  _Brian._ It’s always  _Brian this_ or  _Brian that_ in her head. She’s forever comparing her lovers to Brian.

At sixteen, she has her first mental breakdown; going through her third breakup in two years, she remembers sobbing grossly into Young Jae’s chest, trying and failing to explain why the relationship wouldn’t work. Young Jae had been a dream, he was honestly the best boyfriend she’s had in her whole life. He hadn’t even been a tad bit angry during the breakup. They were sitting in his bedroom, textbooks opened and crushed pieces of paper everywhere when the words had slipped right out of her lips.  _‘Let’s break-up,’_ she had said quietly.

Young Jae’s pen stopped scribbling. He looked up, but she continued staring at her Literature question. She prepared herself for the screaming, for the angry insults, for the hurtful gazes – all of which had been present at her previous breakups.

 _‘Okay,’_ Young Jae had said simply, placing his pen down on the table. Eyes widening, she glances up at him. The moment their eyes had met, hot tears of shame had begun sliding down her cheeks, hiccups catching at her throat. Young Jae doesn’t even think twice about comforting his now ex-girlfriend, pushing away the low table to pull her into a hug and handing her tissues.

They stay like that for a while. Her head swims with a thousand different thoughts, guilt and embarrassment gnawing at her insides. He stays resilient, an unmoving mountain, rubbing circles on her back and reading aloud his answers.

Young Jae doesn’t ask.

She suspects he already knows.

Brian hears about it eventually, a full six months after they’ve broken up, and is quick to hunt down the other boy. He shouts, fists banging doors, demanding to know what Young Jae has done to her. He’s always like this, she realises then, always quick to push the blame on others and never her.

Young Jae is silent, a storm brewing in his eyes.

The tension is noticeable, obvious, painful when she finally tears Brian's red hands from Yong Jae's uniform collar.

At sixteen, she shouts at Brian for the first time.

Throughout it all, Young Jae stares at her with a look of devastation. He knows that the love she harbours for Brian grows every second she spends with the raven. It doesn’t matter if she’s mad at him. She chokes on her words, acid curling up at the base of her throat. She cannot bear looking at Young Jae.

‘Seol,’ Brian snaps his fingers, ‘what do you think of Goldie?’ Her eyes search for a head of short blonde hair and hazel eyes. Goldie is Brian most recent obsession, chubby features, small almond eyes and dark-skinned, the blonde was the exact opposite of Brian’s type.

Not that he  _had_ a type. Brian just prefers girls that have longer hair, sharp noses and round eyes. Girls who are a head shorter than him.

Seol was none of those. Goldie wasn’t either.

‘She’s not here,’ she replies quietly. Brian snorts, undignified, ‘that’s why I’m asking you now.’ She cocks her head to a side, bangs falling over her eyes, ‘I don’t get it. You never really care about my opinions on your girlfriends.’ He clears his throat obnoxiously, an arm slung around the back of his chair. He looks like one of those arrogant bastards that are trying to prove themselves in those awfully cheesy TV shows she watches late at night.

She waits patiently, icy stare boring into Brian’s forehead.

He sighs, dropping the attitude, ‘I just, I dunno. I’ve been chasing her for the past two months, and she hasn’t replied at  _all,_ she ignores all my advances, she talks to me like a sister would to her overbearing brother.’

 _She’s playing hard to get,_ is the first thought. But there are rumours flying about on campus. ‘Goldie doesn’t just date  _anyone.’_ She reiterates, ‘if you can’t get past her cold façade, there’s no way you can actually woo her. Maybe you shouldn’t approach her like you do all those other girls.’

She can’t believe she’s giving advice on relationships. The knife in her heart twists painfully, it’s getting hard to breathe.

He nods, deep in his thoughts.

‘Should I approach her like how I approach you?’  _No! Don’t!_ ‘You could try,’  _please don’t. Don’t make it harder for me. Please._ ‘It might work, Brian.’  _Why won’t you just **notice** me?!_

The heavy clouds on his shoulders clear, he brightens up immediately. ‘You’re a  _genius,’_ he breathes, light brown eyes glimmering in the light, ‘I love you!’

 _No, you don’t._ She thinks bitterly. Instead, she smiles, cheeks tingling. The pain sharpens.  _You don’t love me._

The rest of lunch is spent in humid silence, her hands toying with the fork as she stabs her lava cake viciously, watching the fudge swarm out onto the pristine plate.

When the floodgates open, who would be there for her?

She watches as her love falls for someone else. Brian’s never had such strong feelings for anyone in his life before. After every failure, he comes back defeated and open. After every failure, she’s there to keep his morale high and stitches him up.

Her heart splinters into rough shards as he comes back fallen, and leaves refreshed. Her mood falls into the abyss when he laughs, radiant and shimmering, about Goldie being his girlfriend.

‘Congratulations,’ her words are flat, monotonous. Her eyes are dull, her skin is pale. He doesn’t notice, he hugs her, preaching his thanks.

Unthinking, Brian kisses her lightly on her lips. Slightly chapped lips are rough on her own, the tide crashes in her body, lurching her backwards. Smooth hands catch her, and elated eyes turn sour with worry.

‘You alright?’ He asks, checking you over, a hand on her forehead, wiping away the cold sweat that had formed. She nods mutedly, signalling the giant clay figure in the background as her excuse. ‘Huh,’ he answers, eyes sliding between the two of them, ‘maybe you should take a break from your art finals.’

A frail smile is enough to send him away.

She continues her work, unrelenting and sharp. She will not stop, she will not harp over Brian, she will  _not._

Young Jae catches her fainting in the pottery room on a Monday afternoon. He keeps guard over her as Brian goes on dates with Goldie. When she awakens, he stares at her with apprehension. She stares back in pain.

On a stormy Saturday morning, both Brian and she are sitting together on his dorm bed, bodies mushed against each other. It is tradition to spend Saturdays together. The air is cold, causing her to snuggle deeper into the blankets. The laptop plays an old eighties film, none of them is interested. Brian senses her discomfort, shuffling to move closer.

She pulls away.

Startled, he knocks the laptop onto the floor. She winces at the dull thump. ‘What’s wrong?’ Brian asks, frantically searching for anything.

She reckons heartbreak is never noticeable.

‘Nothing,’ she whispers, ‘I just don’t feel well today.’ A tense silence overcomes them. ‘Is this about Young Jae?’ He snaps, face flushing pink. She shifts her stare from the plait blanket to his face, ‘what.’

He remains quiet for a moment, ‘you’ve been hanging out with him again.’ She doesn’t comprehend. Young Jae is a good friend. They’ve remained friends since their breakup. Even at twenty-four, the both of them are on good terms.

The waters rise, ‘just because  _you_ don’t interact with your exes doesn’t mean  _I_ can’t interact with  _my_ exes, Young Hyun.’ He flinches at the use of his actual name. She stands up, letting the blanket fall to the floor. ‘I need to finish my Economics homework, there’s a test for it on Monday.’

She leaves, closing the door lightly behind her. She doesn’t say  _see you._

On her way out, Jae falters in his greeting; he drops his hand, nodding at her. She tries to smile back, but it must've come out like a painful grimace because Jae's peaceful features turn violent for a moment. ‘Did you guys have a fight?' He says it like he's talking about the weather. She feels bad for using him as a punching bag every time they fight. ‘No,' she replies simply, ‘I'm just really tired.'

She flees before he can ask anymore.

Finals roll by in an instant. She’s so busy studying she pushes Brian away, and he’s so busy studying he forgets about her. She’s an art minor, while he’s a business minor. Their schedules don’t line up as well as they used to.

She finds it easier, but also a lot harder, to breathe.

‘I think I’m going to go incognito after finals,’ she jokes upon seeing Brian for the first time. He laughs, ‘yeah? I think I might, too. Can I join?’ They fall back in step so easily, it’s a little  _painful._ ‘Depends on where you wanna go,’ she hums.

After two weeks of not speaking, the peace has returned.

‘I think,’ Brian interrupts, ‘I think I’m really in love with Goldie.’ The confession crushes her, the world spinning at her feet.  _Ah, this is what rejection feels like._ ‘That’s good.’ She forces out, trying her best to be happy for her first friend. ‘What about you? Found anyone?’ She stares forward, ‘no. Not yet. I don’t think I have the time for a boyfriend just yet.’

_I don't think I can fall in love with anyone until I've gotten over you. I don't think I can bear the guilt._

‘What will you do, after graduation?’ They ask in sync. Brian cracks a smile, ‘I’ll be taking a grad trip with Goldie. We’re still planning it out, though.’

‘I'm going home,' she smiles, ‘Mom and Dad have been missing me.' Home is probably the only place she could go to escape from him. ‘I bet your parents miss you too,' she sighs. Brian's quiet for a while, ‘we haven't gone home in a while.'

‘Yeah,’ the stifling autumn heat strikes the both the of them. She wonders what has changed at home. She wonders if she can really run from Brian.

All graduating students are required to move out of the dorms a month after their final exams, just in time for any internship opportunities to rise, as well as for fall break to start. Their university was weird.  

Just as she’s about to make a phone call, telling her parents she’s coming home, her roommate bursts in, two golden envelopes in her hands. She stares at them, breath coming in short bursts.

‘We’ve been accepted,’ there are tears in her roommate’s eyes, ‘we got in! Seol, we got in!’ Something akin to a crazed laugh bubbles in the pits of her stomach.  _I can finally be free of Brian._ She runs into her roommate, crushing her in a hug.

‘We did it,’ she whispers, ‘we finally made it.’

She doesn't tell anyone where she's going. She fires a quick text to her parents, saying she's going for her internship and promises to call back home every few nights. She begs her lecturers and the admin office not to divulge her internship whereabouts. She bids Jae goodbye when she sends him off at the airport, wishing him a safe trip to Australia for his further studies. She thanks her roommate when she sees her off for her train to Daejeon for her internship.

She packs her bags and leaves for Incheon. It might not be far from Seoul since it's enough to keep Brian away.

Young Jae sends her off, as usual. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to tell him?’ He asks, adjusting his grip on his own bags. She shakes her head, ‘I don’t think I can ever leave if I do.’

The look on his face is never pity.

‘Good luck, Seol,' he wishes, ‘I'll see you soon!' She grins, basking in the warmth, ‘I'll see you soon,' she echoes.

They part ways, each on their own adventure.

 

 

He can’t find her.

Brian can’t find his best friend.

An ugly thought rises up,  _something bad has happened. She’s injured, she’s hurt, she’s not okay._ A million other scenarios pop up, maybe she’s already home, maybe she’s out on a grad trip. Brian knows that nothing good has happened because there’s a deep sense of foreboding in his bones. Quickening his pace, he dashes into the girls’ dorms.

Jane gives him a weird look when he barges into Seol's room, ‘Brian? You alright?’ Her pink hair is fading into blonde and brown, ‘Brian?’

‘Where’s Seol?' He asks rudely, wincing internally when he sees the anger rise up in her face. Jane throws him an irritated glare, leaning against the doorway. ‘She's gone. She and her roommate have left a week ago.' Jane's tone is amiable, but it isn't warm. His eyes turn to slits, ‘she would've told me if she left.'

Jane blinks, awestruck, ‘do you think I’m  _joking,_ Brian Kang? She’s not here anymore! Take a look around you! Christ,’ she curses, fingers massaging her temple.

The room is empty, any personal belongings are gone, the beds were stripped of their sheets, the curtains pulled back to allow the weak sunlight in.

‘She. . . She  _left,’_ he murmurs, taking in the fact that he's been abandoned. Jane sighs again, ‘she's been gone for a while. What took you so long to realise, anyway? You're usually much sharper than this.' 

It’s a jab at him, he knows, but his mind is still reeling and couldn’t register the insult.

‘Bye, Brian. It’s been nice to have known you,’ Jane leaves, sneakers squeaking against the marble dorm floors.

Seol’s gone. She’s gone and he  _didn’t even know._

He runs to the admin office, almost starting a fight with an officer when they refuse to disclose where Seol went.

‘What do you mean,  _you can’t tell me?’_ He shouts, banging a fist against the glass divider, anger flaring in his guts. The officer doesn’t even flinch, ‘it’s school policy. We cannot divulge anything about our students and alumni unless you have the consent of the party involved.’

For three days, he continues searching. He calls her parents, asking them if they knew anything.  _‘She didn’t tell us where she went, either, but she Skypes us every now and then. We’re worried, obviously, but we trust her.’_ Her dad replies,  _‘would you like us to ask her to contact you?’_

 _‘Yes, please,’_ he jumped at any opportunity to get in touch with her.  _‘Did the both of you have a falling out or something?’_ Her mom asks, he meekly admits to not knowing. There is an obvious tone of disapproval in Auntie’s voice as she reprimands him, and he wallows in his misery until he hangs up.

Seol never contacts him.

The lecturers give the same response as the admin block, which drove him up the wall. ‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t help you.’ The lecturer apologises, pity clear in his eyes. ‘I believe she would contact you when she’s ready, though. Best of luck.’

He calls Young Jae next because Young Jae was her next closest friend.

 _‘She really doesn’t want you to know,’_ Young Jae’s annoyed tone causes warning bells to go off,  _‘you really fucked her up, you know that? Ever since we were teens. You were always off with other people, never really giving a damn about her. It was always about you. Whenever she breaks up with someone, you’re quick to assume it’s her ex’s fault. Have you ever thought that maybe – just maybe, it’s **yours?’**_

Young Jae hangs up before he gets a chance to speak.

Goldie had been kind enough to understand his plight, but her hazel eyes judge him critically when he goes back to her, defeated.

‘Brian, are you sure you’re trying hard enough?’ Goldie asks, placing her clothes in her suitcase. ‘I know it’s difficult to get answers, but it just looks like you’re readily admitting defeat.’ He gulps, staring at the spines of her classical literature collection.

‘I'm useless without her,' he admits. Goldie's sharp gaze is on him in seconds, piercing through his soul. ‘I know,' she deadpans, ‘she helped you woo me, didn't she? I heard it from the other girls in the dorms.' He feels shame rise up his cheeks, but Goldie pushes forth, ‘she's done so much for you, but you didn't seem to care for her all that much after we became a couple.'

He feels as though he’s been sucker-punched, stumbling into the bookshelf. He gasps lightly, remembering all those time he’s pushed Seol away in favour of Goldie. He remembers seeing how unwell Seol had looked after Goldie and he had become a couple.

He remembers spending less time with Seol.

He’d always kept his lovers and friends  _separate._

Bile rises up his throat, but he forces it down. ‘Hey, Goldie,’ he speaks hoarsely, let’s break up.’

 

It’s about eleven months later when he sees her again.

Her hair, once an inky black, has turned several shades lighter. It falls over her shoulder and onto her back, neat and straight; her facial features have gotten sharper and brighter, dark brown eyes shimmering in happiness. Her sense of fashion has changed slightly as well, from lazy casual wear to oversized sweaters and pastel pink pants tucked into tan boots.

The ever-present smile on her face takes his breath away. It’s brighter than he remembers, fuller and happier. Her cheeks are stained a rosy pink from laughing so much, her voice tinkling in the wind.

His breath catches in his throat. Staggering closer, he can feel the  _joy_ radiating off her in waves. ‘Seol!’ He shouts, running towards her.

By the  _Gods,_  does he miss her. He misses her hugs, her laugh, her voice, her weird choices in music, her slightly flowery perfume, her love for watching TV shows late at night, her obsession with pop music, the way she takes her coffee with a little too much milk and sugar syrup, the way she says his name.

Brian misses Seol  _so_   _fucking much._

Eleven months of being crippled without the most important person in his life.

 _I love you_ is at the tip of his tongue. He’s so  _close,_ just a few more steps –

She turns around, their eyes meet.  _I love you,_ he wants to scream. Her face lights up, and she –

She runs into the arms of another man. They meet for a kiss.  _‘Love you,’_ he murmurs, smiling softly at her, ‘ _love you too, ‘Woon.’_

Brian’s world comes crashing down.

He’s too late.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat with me on [tumblr!](https://dorepil.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> [My personal tumblr!](http://hunkjasontodd.tumblr.com/)


End file.
